"Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful."

"Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful."  -- Annette Funicello

I love this.

It is SO true. My life may not be "perfect"... but it is WONDERFUL.

I feel as though I've had a change of attitude over the last several months. I read through previous posts on this blog and realize how far I've come, emotionally. I'm sure it comes in waves and I'm sure I'll go through many rough spots, but I like the way I feel right now. Having a positive attitude makes life so much easier to endure and enjoy.

We had parent/teacher conference for Jax today. I loved hearing about the progress he is making. The word progress is such a wonderful thing to hear when you have a special needs child. A year ago, Jax could not sit in circle time at school for longer than a couple of minutes at a time. He is now sitting in circle time 100% of the time. That is huge for him. Ya know, the old me may have been kind of sad thinking that he should be reading and writing and doing all of the things 5 year old's do...but I'm not. I am thrilled that he is making progress, period. 

What stood out to me even more than hearing he is progressing was the love Jaxton's teacher has for him. She was telling me how much she adores how affectionate and loving and kind he is. She brought up one particular incident that meant so much to her. It meant a great deal to me, too. The other day, she was having a really rough day. Anything that could go wrong was going wrong. She said she felt like curling up into a ball and just crying. Toward the end of the day, she was reading a book to the class. Jax stood up, walked up to her, put his arms around her, laid his head on her shoulder, and looked her in the eyes and just smiled. She said to me, "He truly warmed my heart. It was like he knew I needed that. He knew I needed a hug at that exact moment." 

I am so proud to be his mom. He has such a special spirit...a way of making others feel better. When I'm having a rough day, he has a way of making it all better like no one else can. He will just come up to me and say, "mom, I love you sooo much" in his sweet little voice and it's like nothing else matters.

Heavenly Father knew I needed this little boy in my life. I will be forever grateful for the experience and honor of raising such a unique, special soul. 

 

Different, Not Less...

It's been way too long since I've posted on this blog! I will admit that I typed up a very lengthy post about two weeks ago. I was having a very rough day that day. I typed up exactly what I was feeling. It was not good. While I like to be honest about my "I really dislike Autism today" days, what I typed was a little too honest...if you know what I mean. So, instead of hitting "publish post", I erased it. It still felt good to get it off my chest, though!

I went on a date last night with my eight year old daughter. We were sitting down waiting for our food to be served, and Makailee noticed the man sitting with his elderly parents at the table next to us. She could tell something was "different" about this man. He was a middle aged man with Down Syndrome. She kept looking over at him and seemed so interested in him. I whispered to her and reminded her that it's not polite to stare. She said, "I don't mean to keep looking at him mom. I'm sorry. He just seems...different...like Jaxton. Does that man have Autism too?" I told her I would talk to her about it at home.  The tables at the restaurant were very close so we could easily hear/see all that was going on at their table. This sweet man was telling his parents that he had made breakfast for himself the other day. French toast! He raved about how great his French Toast was. It made me smile. Every single time the waitress walked by to check on them, he was so polite and made sure he said "thank you" each time he saw her. They were all chatting and his dad said something that made him laugh. He laughed so hard and couldn't stop laughing. They were all three laughing together and it was the best sound in the world.

When we arrived home, I had a little talk with my daughter. I explained to her that the man in the restaurant has Down Syndrome. She asked me what the difference is between Autism and Down Syndrome. I explained the differences to her a little bit and reminded her that we are all a little bit different from one another and that is a good thing. She asked me if this man is smart because he kind of seemed like a little kid to her. I asked her if she remembered him talking about how he made French Toast. She remembered. I told her you'd have to be pretty smart to be able to make French Toast all by yourself! She agreed. She said, "that is true! I can't even make French Toast yet!" I pointed out all of his great qualities to her. We talked about how polite he was. He always said please and thank you. I reminded her how great his laugh was. This man is full of love and kindness. He is happy.

Different. Not less.

I won't lie. We have many difficult moments having a child with Autism. We also have wonderful moments too. Many of them. We were at Target today and Jaxton saw something he wanted near the registers. I told him we could not buy any toys today. He asked a few more times and I told him no. He got really upset...started screaming, crying, kicking me, and punching himself on the head. He does this sometimes. The lady at the register was waiting for me to pay. I had several people behind me but they would just have to wait a few seconds. I held his face in my hands, whispered to him to calm him, and gave him a big hug. He stopped crying and said, "Sorry mom. I love you so, so much." I said, "I love you more."

We have an amazing, special little boy and we are so blessed to have him in our family. I am so thankful he is my son.

Autism Speaks Walk 2011! Success!

We had such a good time at the Autism Speaks Walk. This was our first year attending and it was really great. What made it SO wonderful?! Our awesome family and friends who walked with us. 

 As we were walking, I couldn't help but feel so much gratitude for these amazing people walking with us. The best part about it is...I KNOW that each one of them love Jaxton. How could you not?! ;) We really are so blessed.

We were also walking for my AMAZING little nephews, Landon and Tristan. They are seriously brilliant, sweet little boys and we are so blessed to have them in our family. They have my heart. That is for sure. ♥

Josh and I were watching Parenthood last night after the kids went to bed. For those who haven't seen it, it's a tv show about a really close knit family and one of the families has a little boy with Autism (aspergers). The episode we happened to be watching was the one where the little boy accidentally finds out he has Aspergers. The mom and dad then have to try and explain to him what it is and that he is different. I cried through the ENTIRE episode. Literally. Ask Josh. He is usually the one crying during shows like this (sorry honey) but I just lost it. It hit SO close to home and I pictured how it will be when that day comes. Josh and I talked about what we will say. How we will say it. We want to always be positive with him and we never want him to feel any less than anyone else. That is our goal. I once saw a t-shirt that said, "Autism Is My Super Power!" That is how I want Jax to feel. I want him to know that no matter how hard he may struggle in life because of Autism, it can also be such a positive thing. It truly can be his Super Power if he allows it to be just that and not a negative thing. 

It gives me peace in my heart to know that Jaxton will always have family standing by his side...helping him along through this crazy, upside down, confusing world he is in. I know he will have amazing siblings who will always be there for him and stick up for him no matter what...

Love is such a beautiful thing.

 

My Baby Boy Is In Kindergarten!!

Where does the time go??

I'm thinking back to the day he was born... 

It was such an amazing day. My mom and husband were both in the room when he came into this world. When he was born, I looked up to see my mom and husband hugging and crying their eyes out. It really was incredible. We were so excited to welcome this beautiful baby boy into our family. 

This little guy has my heart and it has been that way since day one. He and I have an incredible connection that cannot be described. He was sent to us for many, many reasons and we are so thankful for him. I look at him and hold him and feel such deep love. So deep, that I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way before. One day, a couple of weeks ago, we were at Walmart and Jax was having a really rough time. He was having major sensory overload and was really upset. I was feeling pretty frustrated and just wanted to go home. We got to the van, Josh put Jax in his seat and he started kicking and screaming uncontrollably. He was crying so hard and you could see the pain in his eyes. I climbed into the back seat and held him in my arms. He immediately started to calm down as I kissed his sweet face, his tears rolling down my cheeks. The feeling I had was overwhelming and incredible. I felt such a powerful feeling of love and understanding for my son. I could feel his love for me. I was thinking what a powerful thing it is to be able to hold my son in my arms and make him feel happy again. I am meant to be his mommy for a reason. He is meant to be my son. We have many rough moments and days but the good times FAR outweigh the not-so-great times. The unconditional love a mother has for her children is just amazing. There is nothing that can break it.

Pick Your Battles!

When you are a parent of a child with Autism, you learn very quickly to pick your battles. Some things are worth fighting for and some are not. Take this box for example...

What is now a wet, soggy, ruined box used to be a cute little photo box. I quite liked it. Jax has now become very attached to said box. He takes it everywhere with him. He puts his current favorite toys in it too. See...

Well, he has decided he also HAS to take the box into the bath with him. Of course I said no. It's a cardboard box. It doesn't belong in the bath. Well, that didn't go over too well with Jax. He cries and cries and refuses to take a bath without his box. Since he is a very stubborn little thing and I am kind of opposed to him not bathing for weeks at a time, I gave in. This is how my cute box became wet and soggy. 


But guess what...it makes him soooo happy to have his box in the bath with him. He doesn't care that it's wet and soggy. He loves it! See...

And this is why I choose to pick my battles. The end. 

Thank Heaven For Good Days!

Thank heaven for good days. No, seriously. I get down on my knees and thank Heavenly Father for days like these. They can be few and far between at times. I cherish them. Like today, for example. Jax has been so happy, so interactive, engaging, he wants to learn. He has been so sweet with his little sister...playing with her, grabbing her and giving her hugs and kisses and saying how cute she is. Oh, it makes me so darn happy. Lately, Jax has been having a really tough time so it's especially nice to see him having such a good day. He had been hitting...a LOT. Since I'm with him the most, I have been his target. Lucky me. Ha! Well, today, he only hit once or twice when something didn't go his way. Surprisingly though, immediately after hitting me, he said, "sorry mom." I know he doesn't mean to hit. Sometimes he can't control himself. He has built up anger, energy, sensory overload, etc and he just doesn't know what else to do to release it all. I get it...so I'm trying to be patient. Whenever he hits, I ask him if he needs a hug. He says, "yes mom. Hugs." I give him a big, tight hug and he usually feels much better...for a while, anyway. 

This is what keeps me going on rough days...

This truly happy nose-scrunching smile of his.

We definitely have many rough moments and days...but his beautiful smile, laughter, hugs and kisses, cute personality...it all makes it worth it. 

Happy Father's Day Daddy!

Dear Daddy...

Thank you for being my Daddy. I know you were meant to be my Daddy. To love me unconditionally, find humor and joy in my quirks, protect me, comfort me when I'm sad, laugh with me when I'm silly, to fight for me... 

It feels so good to know you will always be there for me no matter what. As I'm growing up, I know you will always stick up for me. You will tell everyone how smart, funny and sweet I am. You will be proud of me. I know you will...just like you are now...

Thank you Daddy...for being my best friend. We have so much fun together...

Daddy, thank you for always believing in me. I know sometimes I'm not easy...but you are always positive with me and you know my potential. I know you will never give up on me. You know how great I am and how great I will become...

Thank you for letting me be myself...and for being happy about who I am.

I look up to you, Daddy. You are my Hero. I know with you standing by my side, ANYTHING is possible!

Thank you for being my Daddy. I love you.

Love, your cuddle bug, Jax.

Sometimes I hate Autism.

I adore my son. Sometimes I hate Autism. Why? I hate that it makes my son angry. I hate that it effects his ability to make friends. I hate the fact that he can't tell me how he is feeling. I hate that people stare when he's upset or making funny noises. I hate it when we are around typical 5 year old boys and I feel blindsided all over again. I hate that I have to worry about his future. I hate that my son can't just be a typical boy and have play dates, play sports with his dad, tell us about his day, tell us a joke, tell me what makes him happy, tell me if someone was rude to him, tell me he has a "girlfriend", explain to me why he is crying and upset. 

I love my son more than anything. Sometimes Autism just plain sucks!! 

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, but this is how I feel today...

Jaxton's Last Day of Preschool!

Today was Jax's last day of preschool. I'm feeling a tad bit emotional about it. My baby boy will be in Kindergarten next August!! He will be in an Autism unit with kids K-2nd grade. So, it's different than regular Kindergarten...but my baby is still growing up; nonetheless. 

 We went to Jax's school today to watch a dvd his teachers put together of pictures throughout the year. It was so cute and sweet. They had so many adorable pictures of Jax. Each child was given an award which stated what the teachers love most about that child. Jax's award was "Best Comic Entertainer". It describes him perfectly. They call him Jim Carey in class. All of the teachers came up to Josh and I and were telling us how they can't help but be happy and laugh when Jax is around. One teacher said, "whenever I'm having a rough day, all I have to do is come to class and Jax makes me happy and makes me laugh."  I love hearing that. 

Watching Jax's teachers with him today makes me even more sad that he will be moving on to a new class. You can just see how much they love and adore him. They were hugging him and telling us how much they love and will miss him. I have to say...it would be dang hard not to fall in love with this boy!! 

 

We will miss his teachers SO much but I am looking forward to next year. A new school year means more progress and that is exciting. 

Autism Siblings

I want to talk a little bit about the siblings of Autistic children. I often wonder how my oldest daughter feels about her brother. I wonder how much she realizes. I wonder if she ever feels like we spend more time with her brother. I don't want her to ever feel like she is being put on the back burner. So, to make sure that doesn't happen, we do several things.

First, we take our daughter on dates. We want her to always know and feel that she is special. My husband or I will take turns going to dinner and a movie with her. She loves this. This past Friday night, I took her to Soul Surfer. It was the perfect movie for her to see. While watching it she kept making comments like, "mom, if we do our best and never give up, anything is possible!" I'm so proud of my little girl. She is growing up so fast. As she gets older, it is so much fun to hang out with her. We love our dates.

We talk to our oldest daughter about how special she is. We remind her that she was our very first baby and how first babies are sooo special. Every night, I like to go into her bedroom and remind her why she is so special. I tell her how sweet, kind, smart, funny and beautiful she is. She usually adds, "I know mom. I'm amazing." She really is amazing and I'm glad she knows it.

Another thing I think is important is to educate the siblings. We've talked to our oldest daughter quite a bit about Autism. We explain to her what it is, what it means. We let her ask any questions she may have. I think this really helps her to better understand her brother. It also gives us a chance to talk about it as a family, which is nice.

Our other children are just 2 years old and 5 months old, so they are too young to get it...but our 2 year old loves playing with her big brother. She looks up to him. They laugh together, chase eachother, talk to eachother. They are buddies. I pray that friendship and love they have for eachother will continue as they grow.