And So It Begins...

I knew this moment would come...

The kids and I went to a favorite park the other day. Josh was working late so it was just me with all four of the little monkeys! While trying to watch all of them at the same time, I happened to be standing right next to the rock wall Jax was climbing on. There were three other little boys climbing the same wall. They looked to be about the same age as Jax. I listened as the boys were trying to talk to him. They were all looking at each other confused, not knowing why Jax wouldn't respond. My first instinct was to help and protect my little boy by jumping in and explaining to the boys why he wasn't responding to them. I thought about it for a second and had a realization...I needed to let my sweet little guy deal with it on his own. At six years old, I am sure this is the first of MANY similar experiences he will have to encounter in his life. I continued to listen to the boys. One of them said to Jax, "if you don't say something back to me, we are NOT going to be friends." Jax ignored him. The boy repeated himself. Jax then said, "okay" and continued to climb. The boys kept following him and continued to try to get his attention. They asked him if he was going to get down and get out of their way. Jax said, "nope" and was perfectly content doing his own thing. Finally, one of the little boys said, "he is so weird! Let's go."

It took everything inside of me to hold back and say nothing...but I know I can't be there every time something like that happens. That is such a tough realization for me. I soooo wish I could just wrap my precious angel up in my arms and never let go...but I can't...

 

 

Autism Is...

World Autism Awareness Day is just around the corner! 

Monday, April 2nd. Be sure to light it up BLUE!

I truly feel it is SO important to raise awareness about this complex disorder. It is of great importance to me because I want people to be more understanding of my son. I love when people ask questions about him because they are trying to understand and get to know him better. I would much rather have someone ask questions rather than just give "the stare". :-)

So, for Autism Awareness Day (and month), I want to kick it off by sharing what Autism is to ME. What it is to Jaxton...to his siblings...to his daddy.

Autism Is....

Many days and nights worrying about our little boy's future.

Obsessions. Many of them. Obsessions over toys, objects, movies, jackets, etc.

Tantrums. Tantrums that are out of Jaxton's control. He sometimes hits himself to let out his frustration. It breaks my heart in two every.single.time.

Sensory issues. Dinner at our house can be quite interesting. Certain textures are too much for him. Certain tastes, smells, noises, lighting, etc.

Lots of staring. Ooooh the staring.

Many moments of frustration, anger, confusion, sadness, self-pity.

Hoping and praying that God knows your true strength...because sometimes you wonder where the strength will come from tomorrow...and the next day...and the day after that.

Not knowing what will happen as he gets older. Will we have to deal with bullying? Will he ever be able to live on his own? Will he be able to have a job? Will he find love? Get married? Have kids? The not knowing can be the hardest part of it all.


Autism Is...

Throwing your expectations out the window. As a parent, you have certain ideas and expectations of what it is going to be like raising a son. You will teach them sooo many things, right?! Wrong. A child with special needs will teach you SO much more than you could possibly imagine teaching them.

Becoming an expert. You read many books, many articles, watch documentaries, talk to others who are experienced with Autism, go to conferences, learn about the newest therapies and research, get involved in the Autism community, etc. In a way, you become a...speech therapist, occupational therapist, psychologist, teacher, doctor, nutritionist, and so much more.

Hugs, kisses and cuddles. Lots of them.There is nothing better than cuddling with Jax on a hard day. He has a way of molding his little self in such a way to where you could lay there forever, holding him, and have no cares in the world.

Feeling so proud and having incredible joy witnessing the smallest of accomplishments. What a wonderful feeling it is to see your child learn something new, say something new, become more social, when all of those things are so difficult for him. It's an awesome feeling.

Meeting new, amazing mommies who have a child/children with Autism. I feel so blessed to know so many truly GOOD people who are dealing with the same thing. They are like family and help me to not feel so alone.

Feeling a love that is so strong, so indestructible, so powerful, so unbelievable, so...heavenly.

Autism Is...a crazy, scary, confusing, joyous, happy, sad, beautiful, frustrating, upside-down world.

At the end of the day, I tuck my little boy into bed and feel so grateful that I have been given the chance to care for this precious soul...no matter how hard it is.

BIG Moment!!

I just had to share a beautiful moment with you all...

 

Jaxton loooves his siblings but hasn't really understood how to do certain things with them. Something he struggles with is knowing how to help them when they need help. For instance, if one of them were to get hurt, he wouldn't really know what to do. He will normally just say to them, "are you okay?" and walk past them. He wants to help and loves them but doesn't quite know what to do.

 

Today, he really surprised me. While playing with his little sister and brother, his baby brother fell down and was crying. I was busy with something and before I could get to Jude, Jax had picked him up, gently held him by the hand and brought him across the room to me. He put Jude's hand in mine and said to Jude, "there ya go".

 

I'm pretty sure I stood there in shock for a few seconds. It made me cry. I honestly didn't know if Jax would ever come to a point where he could see someone needed help and actually understand and be able to assist them. Seriously HUGE. I've always known he adores his siblings but this just made me so, so happy to think of him helping and watching out for his little brother.

 

Proud, proud mommy here.

 

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." -- Robert Brault

"Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful."

"Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful."  -- Annette Funicello

I love this.

It is SO true. My life may not be "perfect"... but it is WONDERFUL.

I feel as though I've had a change of attitude over the last several months. I read through previous posts on this blog and realize how far I've come, emotionally. I'm sure it comes in waves and I'm sure I'll go through many rough spots, but I like the way I feel right now. Having a positive attitude makes life so much easier to endure and enjoy.

We had parent/teacher conference for Jax today. I loved hearing about the progress he is making. The word progress is such a wonderful thing to hear when you have a special needs child. A year ago, Jax could not sit in circle time at school for longer than a couple of minutes at a time. He is now sitting in circle time 100% of the time. That is huge for him. Ya know, the old me may have been kind of sad thinking that he should be reading and writing and doing all of the things 5 year old's do...but I'm not. I am thrilled that he is making progress, period. 

What stood out to me even more than hearing he is progressing was the love Jaxton's teacher has for him. She was telling me how much she adores how affectionate and loving and kind he is. She brought up one particular incident that meant so much to her. It meant a great deal to me, too. The other day, she was having a really rough day. Anything that could go wrong was going wrong. She said she felt like curling up into a ball and just crying. Toward the end of the day, she was reading a book to the class. Jax stood up, walked up to her, put his arms around her, laid his head on her shoulder, and looked her in the eyes and just smiled. She said to me, "He truly warmed my heart. It was like he knew I needed that. He knew I needed a hug at that exact moment." 

I am so proud to be his mom. He has such a special spirit...a way of making others feel better. When I'm having a rough day, he has a way of making it all better like no one else can. He will just come up to me and say, "mom, I love you sooo much" in his sweet little voice and it's like nothing else matters.

Heavenly Father knew I needed this little boy in my life. I will be forever grateful for the experience and honor of raising such a unique, special soul. 

 

Different, Not Less...

It's been way too long since I've posted on this blog! I will admit that I typed up a very lengthy post about two weeks ago. I was having a very rough day that day. I typed up exactly what I was feeling. It was not good. While I like to be honest about my "I really dislike Autism today" days, what I typed was a little too honest...if you know what I mean. So, instead of hitting "publish post", I erased it. It still felt good to get it off my chest, though!

I went on a date last night with my eight year old daughter. We were sitting down waiting for our food to be served, and Makailee noticed the man sitting with his elderly parents at the table next to us. She could tell something was "different" about this man. He was a middle aged man with Down Syndrome. She kept looking over at him and seemed so interested in him. I whispered to her and reminded her that it's not polite to stare. She said, "I don't mean to keep looking at him mom. I'm sorry. He just seems...different...like Jaxton. Does that man have Autism too?" I told her I would talk to her about it at home.  The tables at the restaurant were very close so we could easily hear/see all that was going on at their table. This sweet man was telling his parents that he had made breakfast for himself the other day. French toast! He raved about how great his French Toast was. It made me smile. Every single time the waitress walked by to check on them, he was so polite and made sure he said "thank you" each time he saw her. They were all chatting and his dad said something that made him laugh. He laughed so hard and couldn't stop laughing. They were all three laughing together and it was the best sound in the world.

When we arrived home, I had a little talk with my daughter. I explained to her that the man in the restaurant has Down Syndrome. She asked me what the difference is between Autism and Down Syndrome. I explained the differences to her a little bit and reminded her that we are all a little bit different from one another and that is a good thing. She asked me if this man is smart because he kind of seemed like a little kid to her. I asked her if she remembered him talking about how he made French Toast. She remembered. I told her you'd have to be pretty smart to be able to make French Toast all by yourself! She agreed. She said, "that is true! I can't even make French Toast yet!" I pointed out all of his great qualities to her. We talked about how polite he was. He always said please and thank you. I reminded her how great his laugh was. This man is full of love and kindness. He is happy.

Different. Not less.

I won't lie. We have many difficult moments having a child with Autism. We also have wonderful moments too. Many of them. We were at Target today and Jaxton saw something he wanted near the registers. I told him we could not buy any toys today. He asked a few more times and I told him no. He got really upset...started screaming, crying, kicking me, and punching himself on the head. He does this sometimes. The lady at the register was waiting for me to pay. I had several people behind me but they would just have to wait a few seconds. I held his face in my hands, whispered to him to calm him, and gave him a big hug. He stopped crying and said, "Sorry mom. I love you so, so much." I said, "I love you more."

We have an amazing, special little boy and we are so blessed to have him in our family. I am so thankful he is my son.

Autism Speaks Walk 2011! Success!

We had such a good time at the Autism Speaks Walk. This was our first year attending and it was really great. What made it SO wonderful?! Our awesome family and friends who walked with us. 

 As we were walking, I couldn't help but feel so much gratitude for these amazing people walking with us. The best part about it is...I KNOW that each one of them love Jaxton. How could you not?! ;) We really are so blessed.

We were also walking for my AMAZING little nephews, Landon and Tristan. They are seriously brilliant, sweet little boys and we are so blessed to have them in our family. They have my heart. That is for sure. ♥

Josh and I were watching Parenthood last night after the kids went to bed. For those who haven't seen it, it's a tv show about a really close knit family and one of the families has a little boy with Autism (aspergers). The episode we happened to be watching was the one where the little boy accidentally finds out he has Aspergers. The mom and dad then have to try and explain to him what it is and that he is different. I cried through the ENTIRE episode. Literally. Ask Josh. He is usually the one crying during shows like this (sorry honey) but I just lost it. It hit SO close to home and I pictured how it will be when that day comes. Josh and I talked about what we will say. How we will say it. We want to always be positive with him and we never want him to feel any less than anyone else. That is our goal. I once saw a t-shirt that said, "Autism Is My Super Power!" That is how I want Jax to feel. I want him to know that no matter how hard he may struggle in life because of Autism, it can also be such a positive thing. It truly can be his Super Power if he allows it to be just that and not a negative thing. 

It gives me peace in my heart to know that Jaxton will always have family standing by his side...helping him along through this crazy, upside down, confusing world he is in. I know he will have amazing siblings who will always be there for him and stick up for him no matter what...

Love is such a beautiful thing.

 

My Baby Boy Is In Kindergarten!!

Where does the time go??

I'm thinking back to the day he was born... 

It was such an amazing day. My mom and husband were both in the room when he came into this world. When he was born, I looked up to see my mom and husband hugging and crying their eyes out. It really was incredible. We were so excited to welcome this beautiful baby boy into our family. 

This little guy has my heart and it has been that way since day one. He and I have an incredible connection that cannot be described. He was sent to us for many, many reasons and we are so thankful for him. I look at him and hold him and feel such deep love. So deep, that I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way before. One day, a couple of weeks ago, we were at Walmart and Jax was having a really rough time. He was having major sensory overload and was really upset. I was feeling pretty frustrated and just wanted to go home. We got to the van, Josh put Jax in his seat and he started kicking and screaming uncontrollably. He was crying so hard and you could see the pain in his eyes. I climbed into the back seat and held him in my arms. He immediately started to calm down as I kissed his sweet face, his tears rolling down my cheeks. The feeling I had was overwhelming and incredible. I felt such a powerful feeling of love and understanding for my son. I could feel his love for me. I was thinking what a powerful thing it is to be able to hold my son in my arms and make him feel happy again. I am meant to be his mommy for a reason. He is meant to be my son. We have many rough moments and days but the good times FAR outweigh the not-so-great times. The unconditional love a mother has for her children is just amazing. There is nothing that can break it.

Pick Your Battles!

When you are a parent of a child with Autism, you learn very quickly to pick your battles. Some things are worth fighting for and some are not. Take this box for example...

What is now a wet, soggy, ruined box used to be a cute little photo box. I quite liked it. Jax has now become very attached to said box. He takes it everywhere with him. He puts his current favorite toys in it too. See...

Well, he has decided he also HAS to take the box into the bath with him. Of course I said no. It's a cardboard box. It doesn't belong in the bath. Well, that didn't go over too well with Jax. He cries and cries and refuses to take a bath without his box. Since he is a very stubborn little thing and I am kind of opposed to him not bathing for weeks at a time, I gave in. This is how my cute box became wet and soggy. 


But guess what...it makes him soooo happy to have his box in the bath with him. He doesn't care that it's wet and soggy. He loves it! See...

And this is why I choose to pick my battles. The end. 

Thank Heaven For Good Days!

Thank heaven for good days. No, seriously. I get down on my knees and thank Heavenly Father for days like these. They can be few and far between at times. I cherish them. Like today, for example. Jax has been so happy, so interactive, engaging, he wants to learn. He has been so sweet with his little sister...playing with her, grabbing her and giving her hugs and kisses and saying how cute she is. Oh, it makes me so darn happy. Lately, Jax has been having a really tough time so it's especially nice to see him having such a good day. He had been hitting...a LOT. Since I'm with him the most, I have been his target. Lucky me. Ha! Well, today, he only hit once or twice when something didn't go his way. Surprisingly though, immediately after hitting me, he said, "sorry mom." I know he doesn't mean to hit. Sometimes he can't control himself. He has built up anger, energy, sensory overload, etc and he just doesn't know what else to do to release it all. I get it...so I'm trying to be patient. Whenever he hits, I ask him if he needs a hug. He says, "yes mom. Hugs." I give him a big, tight hug and he usually feels much better...for a while, anyway. 

This is what keeps me going on rough days...

This truly happy nose-scrunching smile of his.

We definitely have many rough moments and days...but his beautiful smile, laughter, hugs and kisses, cute personality...it all makes it worth it. 

Happy Father's Day Daddy!

Dear Daddy...

Thank you for being my Daddy. I know you were meant to be my Daddy. To love me unconditionally, find humor and joy in my quirks, protect me, comfort me when I'm sad, laugh with me when I'm silly, to fight for me... 

It feels so good to know you will always be there for me no matter what. As I'm growing up, I know you will always stick up for me. You will tell everyone how smart, funny and sweet I am. You will be proud of me. I know you will...just like you are now...

Thank you Daddy...for being my best friend. We have so much fun together...

Daddy, thank you for always believing in me. I know sometimes I'm not easy...but you are always positive with me and you know my potential. I know you will never give up on me. You know how great I am and how great I will become...

Thank you for letting me be myself...and for being happy about who I am.

I look up to you, Daddy. You are my Hero. I know with you standing by my side, ANYTHING is possible!

Thank you for being my Daddy. I love you.

Love, your cuddle bug, Jax.